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June 25, 2008

Somewhere in Illinois

Saturday evening


I am alone! This four bed-room house sucks the breath out of me. The case is sub-judice. I wish it wraps up soon. Everything in this house smells of her. Heck! I am thinking about her. My friend was right when he said I was addicted to her flesh. The memory of that psychotic bitch still hovers!


Ssshhhh! Can you hear the excited voices coming from outside? I peep out of the blinds; damn a couple in the car is getting wild. Seems the whole world is busy doing one thing except for me. It’s not about Saturday night. Every night, when darkness falls it takes away my rationality. I can think of nothing except for that three-letter word.   


From the morning I did laundry, cleaned, cooked, ate, talked with family, slept, and ate again and now I have nothing to do. I am staring at the black screen of that frickin’ high definition TV. No, the TV is on but the blackness has descended into my mind and eyes. I get restless and flip through the channels quickly without waiting to see what’s coming on what channel. I stop at the music channel. Madonna’s “Justify my love” is on. See didn’t I tell you it’s happening everywhere. It’s only my life that’s like a hollow beat.


I am looking at TV but my mind is slipping away in thoughts. My last relationship lasted for three weeks. She was good but had an OCD. I mean she refused to use toilets in my home. The same toilets I wiped and cleaned for two hours before she came. She said she can’t use. I said you can sit in the bushes if you like. In my country people just sit anywhere especially they feel sort of sardonic pleasure to pee in front of the wall where it’s written “It’s forbidden to pee here”. She thought I was sarcastic. She left. We broke up. I did like her in a way. She was accessible and had no inhibition that’s what I like about these white women.


Before that I dated a Sindhi woman… Wait, wait, wait! Why I am thinking about my ex wife and ex girl friends like a loser? I try to concentrate on TV. Crap! What sort of video is that? “We only got 4 minutes to save the world”. I ponder. I think. I contemplate. I too need to save the world of my raging desires. I need to do something or else…


My friend once said about me that I am a slave of my passion. It’s not just about flesh, I also need a stable relationship, I want to love and be loved. I was so faithful to that psychotic but damn she left me. I wanted to see her happy. Who buys a pet dog for 2Ks? But I did just because she said she loved it. She loved it? Did she? Because she dumped him as well like me. Who cares about cats and dogs she took away my son.


I am about to be swept away by the fatherly emotions but the flames of desires – as dark and black as the moonless night – are leaping up, engulfing my whole body. My family is pressurizing me to get married. They need to understand, I can’t until the case is decided. Until then I would keep filling the voids and gaps of my ruining life.


The door bell rings. I almost jumped. I answered the door. She was standing there. Who she? Oh! I had met her a month ago. We dined out a couple of times but then she disappeared. And now she re-appeared out of the blue. I welcome her in. She is friendly and I see… according to her was out of the town. Its okay, she came at the right time and at the right place. We chat, laugh, look deep into each other’s eyes. And then we step into the realm where the sense of touch does all the talking.



I look at the fine curve of her body and smile. My mind has become clear and there isn’t even a speck of cloud. She’s good. I want to pursue it for as long as I can. I know back home sisters would be busy fishing for a;


Young doctor



And of course



But I need butterflies to paint my desires with numerous colors. If she left, I’d look for another and another. My friend says my heart has become as black as charcoal. I don’t think so… I look at her, sleeping next to me and feel like humming, “But if I die tonight at least I can say I did what I wanted to do. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.”





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